well I can't set my house on fire every night
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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