I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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