After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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