omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
