I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
