I faked an abortion last night.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
