Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
