You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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