let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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