if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
