I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
