In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
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