I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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