I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
