my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
