I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
