I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
