I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
