i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
