If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
