i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I need to stop coming to work sober
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I love you. Go after that dick
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
