I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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