did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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