I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
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My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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