You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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