for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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