What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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