I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
