I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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