well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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