Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
