I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
