You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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