I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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