Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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