On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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