put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
