i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
