The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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