i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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