I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
