She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
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Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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