I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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