where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
just found out that she named her cat after me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
