News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
