He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
