I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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