I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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