some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
