Just cropdusted the office
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
