I'm really into asian looking animals
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
