I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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