no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
