and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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