I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
